Heart of Gold

 Have you ever made a decision that you know was the right one but still broke your heart in two? Silly question, I know. We all have had to make sacrifices in order to either protect the ones we love or to improve our own lives. Well, I made a decision this weekend that may be hard for others to understand especially those of you who know how much I love my little dog, Kiki. When I first got Kiki, it was really a beautiful spot in an otherwise lonely phase of my life. Ever since I read up on the breed about 4 years ago, I have wanted to bring one home. When my beautiful dog, Jasper, passed away at age 13 (from Covid we believe), I made it a goal to bring one home. At first, I tried to find an adult dog and adopt him/her because I've never been great with housebreaking puppies. But when I discovered a great breeder who was local through a coworker, it seemed fated. I brought home a perfect beautiful little frenchie and became totally obsessed with her. To say she changed my life so much for the better is an understatement. She was a ray of light and made me want to be around her 24-7. When we moved in June to my current apartment which is on the second floor, I thought that she would be able to adjust to it as well as she adjusted to our last apartment which was on the first floor.

Unfortunately, this wasn't the case. I don't know if it was the fact that there were 3 dogs living on the first floor or the fact that we didn't spend as much time walking this summer as I would have liked, Kiki would vacillate between barking nervously for up to 20 minutes at a time to being listless for an hour or more. She just wasn't the same dog. It was during this time that I began to research how to bring her to London with me which I wrote about in an earlier blog. I was determined to find a way and  had decided to travel by ship (which had kennels) instead of by air. But at the beginning of August  I really started to think about what my life would be like in London, and I had to admit that it would be a much busier one that left little time to be with Kiki like I have been with her this summer. I felt that she would be neglected and left on her own for too long especially since I will be taking public transport everywhere. So I made the difficult decision to try to re-home her. 

I contacted my veterinarian's office because I had just been there checking on her health and getting her revaccinated. Kiki loved this office, and everyone who saw her just melted and were in love with her. I explained my situation and asked if by chance there was a staff member who would be able to adopt her. Within a week I heard from one of the vet techs who had a very good friend who was interested and (best of all) had another frenchie to raise her with. This family had everything that I wished I could give Kiki: a big house to explore with two canine siblings and even a cat sibling. The woman works limited hours and also had an obstacle course in her backyard that her dogs loved to play on. I couldn't have hand picked a better situation. I arranged to meet this family that week but chickened out. I just wasn't ready to give her up. She had been with me for over two years and was such a huge part of my life that I couldn't envision her not being here. However, I overcame this selfish feeling by really thinking about if she would be happier with another family. I had to admit that in all likelihood she would miss me for a little while but then would adjust to a new loving home. So, this weekend I met with the woman who promised to take great care of my "daughter" as she called her. I had made the right choice even though it was one of the hardest things I have ever had to do. I lost part of my heart in that parking lot on Saturday morning.

I'm not going to write any more on this because I'm crying as I type. It wasn't my intention to write anything because a part of me is ashamed that I let her go. When I adopted her, I promised I would always watch over her. But I do know that I have made the right choice for her. She brought such light into my life and entertained me for hours on end. When I was sick, she would curl up next to me even though her preferred spot to sleep was on the recliner. When I was missing my mom or feeling isolated, she would always find a way to put a smile on my face. I have more photos of her on my phone than some people have of their children. Even when she was naughty, her inner stubborn spirit was one that would snap me out of any angry feelings. Neil Young wrote a classic song that lamented a long search for someone who felt like a true partner.

I want to liveI want to giveI've been a minerFor a heart of goldIt's these expressionsI never giveThat keep me searchingFor a heart of goldAnd I'm getting old

My puppy has that heart of gold. Thank you for your loyalty and your love, Kiki. I'm forever grateful for the time we spent together. Go live your best life!

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