I Believe in Miracles

 If you've been following me on this blog, then I feel like I owe you an apology for the last post. I basically was feeling sorry for myself about all the obstacles I had encountered in the previous week. It can't be much fun to read about someone's struggles although I think it's important for me to write down the bad feelings because I know sooner or late they will come out in a more destructive fashion (hello anxiety attack, how you doing, depression) if I leave them unspoken. So although I felt a lot better after having written it all down, I hope you weren't left with any residue of worry or concern for me. 

You see, there are some things I have learned about myself as I tackle this journey into retirement abroad. Unlike other times when a goal seemed so out of reach, I have discovered that I am more than capable of handling the roadblocks that inevitably are faced when you're going after something you love. I'm going to let you in on some of these revelations. 

   1. I am resilient- As frustrating as it is to realize how hard it will be to find a primary school to sponsor my Skilled Visa application, I still believe I will do it. Something inside of me is urging me on and making me feel like the corny old saying goes "Rejection is God's protection". No recruitment agency will help me get a Visa? OK, I'm not going to waste time emailing them anymore. In the past I would feel beaten and demoralized when a target seemed unachievable. When I was trying to get my Ph.D in Literacy, I let the difficulty of doing so defeat me. I started and withdrew three times before I finally just gave up. Although I know there may come a time when I have to switch gears as far as getting to London is concerned, I'm no where near ready to throw in the towel. This leads me to my second self-realization.

  2. I am flexible with my long term plans. I was speaking to friend of mine (OK, he was actually my psychologist) who is from Scotland about my plans.  Although I could tell he was trying to sound neutral, he finally urged me to have a back up plan. Now, being a stubborn Italian American woman I did not like the idea that a man was trying to get me to change my mind (as my sensitive soul saw it). Who was he to suggest I have a contingency plan in place? Never mind the fact that he himself made this move in reverse at one point in his life or that he has always had my best interests at heart, I thought he didn't know what he was talking about. I will put ALL of my eggs in one basket if I want to!  But as I was mulling over his advice, I realized that it made a lot of sense. Why not work on giving myself another option in case this one didn't work out? It didn't take me long to wander over to my computer and start looking up Ph.D programs in universities abroad. So, while I wait to hear back from schools, I will be communicating with a few universities I'm interested in attending (more on this in future posts). This flexibility hasn't dampened my desire to teach abroad but has given me another way to reach a long-held intention (I do plan on apologizing to Dr. T for my defensive attitude at our next session).

3. I'm learning how to let go. One of my complaints in the last post had to do with not hearing back from a friend who lives in London. I had written to him after a long period of time, and wasn't even sure I had the correct email. Although I did write to him for advice on living in London, it didn't occur to me that he might have other things going on in his life that would keep him from responding, I used to take these kinds of things so personally. How long does it take to write an email? How about picking up your phone? Assuming his actions were meant to be hurtful accomplished nothing but making me feel sad.  I have another life-long friend who is always late. It used to make me feel so annoyed because, again, I took the act of being late so personally. Neither of these friends have bad intentions towards me. In fact, my tardy friend would do anything for me as I would for her. I'm embarrassed to admit how ego-centric I was in the past. Now instead of being put off when she finally arrives, I celebrate the fact that we actually found time to see each other. Letting go of things that are mild irritants has made me a much happier person. So if my friend in London never gets back to me I will be disappointed but it won't break my heart. Wishing only the best to happen for him just brings me more peace. 

So, these are some of the things that helped me over the latest bump in my life. I'm still determined to get a Visa to teach in England but am working on a back up plan too. The song that has been playing in my mind as I write this blog is so inappropriate but it's hardly the first time that has happened.

I believe in miracles
Where you from
You sexy thing?
(You sexy thing, you)
I believe in miracles
Since you came along
You sexy thing

[Verse 1: Original Arrangement]
Miracles right before my eyes
You sexy thing got me hypnotized
Don't stop what ya' doing
What ya' doing to me
My angel from above lying next to me
How did ya' know that I'd be the one
Been a long time coming only just begun
Doing all the things that makes my heart sing
Keep doing what you're doing you sexy thing

Why is this song in my head? I think it's the very first line. Hot Chocolate may have been singing about a person but my focus in on my future possibilities...which are sexy as hell!