Trapped

 This hasn't been a good week. I've had a feeling of melancholy and futility following me around like a little dark cloud. I know that a big part of this is because I feel like I'm not making any progress in my goal of teaching in London. I've had only one response this week from the numerous emails that I have sent out inquiring about Visa sponsorship (it was another no). About a month back I even reached out to a friend who is currently living in England to try and narrow down where I should be looking in London to live and haven't had any response. It is so frustrating to put so much effort into seeking information and receiving negative responses or even worse no response. In the past few weeks I've joined Facebook groups where people have emigrated to England and have posted questions that I have had. I forgot how negative people can be on FB but a few of the foul and offensive responses to my questions quickly reminded me (one particular pessimistic person had the fitting last name of Hoar...yup, I went there). Now to be fair, a majority were supportive and kind but of course,  the gloom-soaked responses about the chances of receiving a skilled worker Visa have been haunting me this week. 

I also realize the black little cloud probably has to do with my reluctance to get into my current classroom and set it up for the last time. I'm about 90% sure I'm going to retire in order to pursue my dream of living abroad, and the weight of that feels quite heavy. It doesn't help that I absolutely HATE setting up my room every year. It doesn't have to do with not wanting to start a new year (that clean-slate feeling and the prospect of setting new goals with a new group of kids is about the only thing that is motivating) but has more to do with the amount of work that needs to be done. This year I feel overwhelmed by the amount of cleaning, moving desks, preparing bulletin boards, connecting with families, communicating with students, and general drudgery that comes with getting back into the school routines. I've really enjoyed this summer and the pace of my days has been so relaxed. I know that will end in just 2 short weeks replaced by the hectic velocity that daily teaching brings into my life. The intensity of this change is triggering bad behaviors like avoiding going in and not forcing myself to prepare at all for the classroom. 

Usually when I write a blog post, I start with the topic and then end with a song that resonates with my overall feeling on it.  Even that certainty has flipped and has been stalking me all week.  I keep hearing the Boss himself whispering in my ear. 

Well it seems like I'm caught up in your trap againAnd it seems like I'll be wearin' the same ol' chainsGood will conquer evil and the truth will set you freeThen I know someday I'll find the keyThen I know somewhere I'll find the keyWell it seem like I've been playin' the game way too longAnd it seems the game I played has made you strongWell when the game is over, I won't walk out a loserAnd I know that I'll walk out of here againAnd I know that someday I'll walk out of here again
But now I'm trapped, oh yeah!
It just seems like Fate is similar to the partner that Bruce is singing about. I understand logically that pursing goals requires making sacrifices. But the pain of reaching out and having nothing to show for it is far too familiar and recurrent in my life. This all started with not being to find a good solution of how to bring my dog, Keeva, to London. I found it distressing that every time I thought I found a solution (Hello Queen Mary ship!) another obstacle was thrown in my way (Kennels on board are booked out for years). A charted flight created for people flying with pets? About 8,500 green reasons why I can't afford it. The prospect of living out my dream without my faithful and comforting dog by my side is killing me. I feel like I have to sacrifice one thing I dreamt about in the past for another dream for my future. The lack of clarity regarding so much in my life is keeping me feeling hedged in, and my heart is hurting because of it. 
Just putting this all down in words is helping me heal. And I know that things aren't as bad as my heart is making me feel. For now, I just need to hold onto to my faith that what is meant for me, won't pass me by. I need to believe that with perseverance and inner strength I will make it to the other side. The beacon of my future will guide me to my destination. Mr. Springsteen reminds me of this truth.

But I'll teach my eyes to see beyond these walls in front of meAnd someday I'll walk out of here againYeah I know someday I'll walk out of here again

Looking forward to dismantling some of those walls soon. 

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