Tubthumping

 Today's blog post may veer away from the usual topics because I really need an outlet for my thoughts right now. I could just write in my journal as I usually do when I'm trying to figure out my life but I feel a real need to let this out into the Universe to hear. Things haven't progressed too far in my plans to go abroad although I will be writing about a new university in London that I am checking out. But for now I'm fully immersed in the present time. As I look out my window it is dark and dreary with a cold wind blowing the withering leaves off the trees. Normally, I really don't mind this weather especially if I can just cuddle up with a blanket and a good book. But today it just seems like a reflection of the turmoil I've been feeling the past few weeks. 

Usually October is my favorite month because the kid in me loves to celebrate my birthday. Even at the advanced age of 57, I still love to celebrate my birthday month. October is also the birthday month  of some people who are close to me (my best friend for one, and you could not find 2 Libras more different from each other). Years ago I celebrated my 40th birthday with my extended family many of whom share October as their birthday month. We planned to go out and celebrate everyones special day the weekend before the 23rd.  I decided on that fateful night to drink an unreasonable amount of scotch in the Hummer limo in which we were traveling and proceeded to break my ankle as I was leaving the van (ok, I actually jumped from it). I don't remember much from that celebration as all of my weight came crashing down on a previously broken ankle and caused a compound fracture. Because God loves me, I immediately went into shock and felt nothing.  I had to be rushed to the hospital in an ambulance where my main concern was the atrocity of the EMS worker cutting  my new Skecher sneaker off of my swollen foot. On my actual birthday a few days later I was laying in the hospital recovering from surgery and contemplating whether or not I was going to lose my job where I began only weeks before. I assumed my 40th birthday would go down as the worst one for me. As it turns out, I was very wrong (although it still ranks as a close #2 of disappointing birthdays).

There were omens that my birthday month this year wasn't going to be great. In fact, it started off with a double-header of disaster.  First, I came down with Covid and was extremely ill. I was told that I had to quarantine and was given the strongest medicine I have ever had in my life because the infection was attacking my lungs. A few days later my beloved Uncle Mario unexpectedly died. He was ill for a while, but I thought he was slowly getting better. To make matters worse, his wake and funeral fell right into the heart of my quarantine so I couldn't even say goodbye with my family. This inauspicious start definitely put a damper on my plans  but I did try to celebrate my birthday with cousins from the other side of the family (also drinkers but no danger of falling out of Hummer limos-pushed out? Maybe) by inviting them to meet me at our local pub on the Saturday after my birthday. That third week of October gave me the old 1-2 punch followed by a swift kick to the chest. At this point you may be thinking, "C'mon Fran. Worse than being in the hospital? Worse than the thought of bone ripping through skin?" Hear me out. Although it was a battle to recuperate in a nursing home for 3 weeks and then go to work in a wheelchair for the months of February-April in snowy Rochester, the physical wounds healed. I learned that I had more courage and resilience than I ever gave myself credit for, and I have never let a drop of Scotch pass my lips again (Jameson Whiskey is another story).  My Rochester cousins and I have a story that brings us to tears with laughter whenever we talk about it. My self-esteem and independence grew during that period (with the help of my family) which redeemed the suffering that went on before.  This year's birthday brought me to a dark place that was foreign, heartbreaking, and quite lonely. It's like 2024 was saying, "Hey 2007! You think that is bad? Hold my drink". The not-so-holy trinity of events of this birthday week robbed me of most of my confidence and innate optimism that I have developed throughout the years.

MONDAY

At 6:50 am I walked out to my parking lot to find that my car had been repossessed. Now, I knew how late I was with payments so it wasn't a huge surprise and as I saw the reverse tire tracks on our front lawn, I didn't panic. Instead I took a deep breath, phoned for a Lyft, and told myself that I would deal with it all later. Balancing my finances has never been my strong suit ,and I have had to deal with similar situations in the past. I told myself that as long as I could still get to work, everything would be alright. Since I was preparing for parent conferences which were being held on Thursday and Friday, I decided to transfer some money into my Lyft account deal with it all on Saturday. This turned out to be the least of my problems. 

TUESDAY

The next day something happened that did interfere with work. Unfortunately, I can't really get into the details about it at this time. However, it has taken me out of my safe and cozy routine of my beloved second grade class and thrust me into an pseudo-retirement like state. There were so many issues swirling around this situation that it knocked any confidence or pride that I had instilled in my career persona. As the Lyft driver was taking me home, I thought to myself, "Well, that is two. Wonder what the third disaster going to be?" When I'm at my lowest, the learned behavior of pessimism rears its ugly head and more times than not, becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. I guess the Universe wanted me to learn this lesson for good. 

WEDNESDAY (MY ACTUAL BIRTHDAY)

I didn't want anyone to know I wasn't at work so I didn't talk to anyone the whole day. Don't get me wrong- I received lots of texts and Facebook birthday greetings which really picked up my spirits. I knew I was loved and cherished by my friends and family and to be honest, I really needed to hear from each and every one of them. Since anyone who knows me well knows that I dislike talking on the phone for long, those messages were just what I needed. Give me a 4 paragraph text anytime! I have always preferred writing to talking but I realize I'm in the minority there. So I appreciated each and every message I received. They helped distract me from the fact I was hanging on by a thread emotionally. Unfortunately, there was one person I had hoped to hear from even though I had no reason to believe that he even knew it was my birthday (Nope, not Aaron Judge).  I was hoping that maybe the Universe would throw me a bone and have him reach out to me. It's been a very long time since I have heard his voice or read his words even though I had contacted him recently. This disappointment, as irrational as it was, really hit me hard. I went to bed late and cried myself to sleep.

THURSDAY

My sister called me and asked me how my birthday was. I told her that it was quiet (not a lie) but good (quite a lie). She asked me if I was sitting down. I told her I was and immediately my negativity made me think that the bad news she was heralding pertained to my younger sister who has challenging health issues. As my heart began beating quite loudly, she proceeded to tell me of two people I knew who had died in the previous days. One was the cousin of my former brother in law, a sweet, funny, and kind lady who unfortunately had been sick for a while. The other was the step-father who helped raise  two of my beloved younger cousins. He was as vivacious and full of life as they come. If he wasn't partying with friends or participating in curling matches, he was exploring foreign jungles and other vistas with his girlfriend. It was a completely unexpected death that was as shocking as it was heartbreaking. I felt for my cousins who both had young children of their own. Not only had they lost their father when they were babies and their mother at the young age of 55, now they had to bury their step-father as well. It just didn't seem fair at all. 

Needless to say, I cancelled the Saturday night out although one of my cousins made me meet him anyway for a drink. I didn't open up to him about my week but I did end up having a good time. It almost surprised me that I could find something to laugh about again. Negative emotions are hard enough to handle when they come at you one at a time. But this evil month had thrown shame, disappointment, frustration, heartache, anxiety and grief at me, and I'm still staggering to get a grip on my life. However, October has also made me work out my resilience muscles and gave me some lessons that will help me as I continue to work towards living abroad:

1. If I plan on living in another country, I need to do a better job of watching my finances. I love to shop but not more than I would love to live abroad. This is a work in progress. 

2. The title of "teacher" has been my identity for the past 35 years. Time to switch things up and see where other interests will lead me.

3. If I can ever make someones day easier by communicating with them, I will do it not matter what (even if that means a telephone call).  Being left wondering what you did wrong or even worse if you did anything wrong is pure torture. 

4. I will do my best not to waste my precious time on Earth. Waiting for something that may never happen only steals away time that I don't have promised to me. I will continue to take that leap of faith into the future and know that I am strong enough to do it on my own (although having help from others is nice too). 

5. As usual, music is my saving grace. I've been listening to my usual eclectic mixes (James Taylor followed by Nirvana? Yes please!), and videos like the one below have put a smile on my face. 

Do you hear that Universe? I'm slowly evolving back into that Positive Patty with your help. Face it, if that fifth inning in the World Series didn't break me, nothing will. So, how about sending some good Karma my way?