With or Without You

Reading back over this blog I realized a couple of things. First and foremost is that I am a true Libra through and through. Decision making can be very hard for me because of my natural inclination to waver between two or more outcomes. I can see the positives and negatives quite clearly and struggle with deciding on the best course of action. Libras also look for justice in all of their interactions and this too is making the decision making process more difficult. My only saving grace is that I rarely am impulsive when it comes to my career. It has been too important in my life, and I take great pride in it. This has led me to make a pretty firm decision in my desire to live abroad.

I have had some negative events happen in my life recently that have helped me come to the decision that it is time to move on to the next phase in my career. This revelation came to me just last week, and the conclusion is that it is time to focus on my future life as a full time student. I am ready to take on university life and finally get that Ph.D I've wanted for most of my adult life. I am a little scared about making ends meet as a full time student living abroad because even with my retirement pension, it will be a tight squeeze. But nothing good ever comes easy so I'm going to be evaluating several programs and places in the UK where I can hopefully earn my doctorate. 

The two main cities I've been focusing on are London and Dublin. They both hold a special place in my heart for many different reasons. I've visited Ireland five times on various trips and my favorite spot has always been Dublin. The history, the culture, the people, and the pubs are among the top reasons I have returned time and time again. I have mentioned Trinity College several times in this blog, and it remains my number one choice in Ireland. However, recently I have explored some Ph.D programs in Education that appeal to me and are based close to Dublin. That's right, the Libra in me strikes again! Although I'm still very drawn to a degree in Irish Literature, I can't help feeling that my 32 years of teaching makes me more than prepared to get a Ph.D in education. There are so many issues in education that I feel strongly about that I feel I have a responsibility to research and write about them. So, I have to give it serious consideration. Because of this responsibility I feel to contribute to the world of educational research, I am considering schools like Maynooth University which is about 25 kilometers outside of Dublin. It is considered a true university town and seems like a nice (and cheaper) place to live. 

Of course, London has been in my heart for a very long time as well. Having lived in North London from January to June of 1988, it really was the catalyst for my dream of living permanently in the UK. I really didn't get homesick until about May (much to my poor mother's chagrin) and even then I felt like I would return to teach eventually. But with my decision to choose university over teaching, I find myself looking more closely at universities that offer a Ph.D in education or English. The Tube and the proximity to Europe are huge selling points as is the fact that I actually have a friend with whom I'd love to reconnect with who is currently making London his home. He is someone I trust implicitly and with whom I'm hoping to rekindle a friendship with.  It just feels a little less scary to make a move like this to London where at least one person knows me and cares what happens to me.  Admittedly, this is not a substantial reason to choose London over Dublin but it is one I am holding closely to my heart. 

Thus the dithering continues. Assuming I get accepted to any of these universities, do I choose Dublin or London? Or perhaps I will discover some other place in Ireland or the UK in which to live and study? Yes, the Libra in me is pulling me in so many directions. I wonder if my tendency to vacillate is one of the reasons this song by U2 is etched in my heart? Bono sings about Fate as being a lady who can make decisions of the heart seem almost impossible. 

My hands are tied, my body bruised
She got me with nothing to win
And nothing left to lose

And you give yourself away
And you give yourself away
And you give, and you give
And you give yourself away

With or without you
With or without you, ohh
I can't live with or without you

I believe that as long as we choose love over fear, the only choice that is the wrong one is to not make a choice at all. I will give Lady Fate a few more months to help me make this decision. 


 

 

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